ULTIMATE RANT | Telluride Sweet Poop and Shame

By Allison Perry

Well folks, I’m back from hiatus and addressing an issue near and dear to my heart that a Miss Jessica Simon posted a little while back: doody.

Imagine for a moment, if you will, strolling through the winter wonderland that is Telluride in December. Blue skies, crisp air, clean, white snow, sparkling in the…oh, wait. What is that marring this picture perfect scene, that thing you can’t take your eyes off of, demanding attention, not even an inch off the sidewalk, trail, or wherever you happen to be walking? It’s…DOG POOP!

And lately, it’s everywhere! And it is absolutely infuriatingly and unacceptably disgusting.

Simon’s rant is lengthy. To paraphrase, she begins by stating how sick she is of seeing piles of dog poo left around town, and goes on to say “So, fair warning: from now on, when I see someone not picking up after their dog I’m going to snap a picture of you, your dog and the pile of s*it…and then I’m going to post it here so people can see just how ‘shitty’ you are.”

I want to too! Can I help?!?! In fact, consider this my call to arms, my crusade, my fatwa: citizens of Telluride who like sidewalks that are free off feces, pristine trails untouched by turds, join Jessica Simon, put those iPhone cameras to good use, and let’s start shaming!

I propose we start a group called “Telluride Sweet Poop and Shame” and give these perpetrators a whole forum where we can mercilessly bash them in public until they get the point. Or…we could probably just be adults and give the pictures to the Marshal’s office and see if some tickets can be written.

Deborah Gesmundo commented “I believe it’s a $250 ticket and four hours community service…” and I would be willing to bet that nothing would get certain dog owners to clean up their act like paying some money and cleaning out cages at the local animal shelter for half a day.

We should start with the girl Simon says she “even called out…and she flipped her hair, walked away indignantly, and left the poop.” I think we should find her, cut her hair off, and burn her at the stake!

I kid, I kid.

As a former Viking resident myself, Georgina Bishop’s comment struck a chord with me: “Same at Viking Lodge! We watch people walk their dogs on the river trail, and so many people look the other way when their dog poops on our lawn. So gross!” Almost daily we’d find a huge pile of shit in our yard at the Viking, culminating with my boyfriend riding his bike through someone else’s dog doo twice.

I think Linda Lawley has a great idea for those who have some time to spare and prefer vigilante justice to taking pictures and trying to go through the law: “Pick it up, follow them home and dump it on their doorstep…hopefully they won’t see it and will step in it.”

Bravo Linda. This is exactly what I have vowed many times to do when tromping through nasty animal byproduct on the river trail.

I also want to literally murder every single egocentric, entitled, second home-owning jerk who thinks it’s okay to let their dogs out unsupervised on the ski trails in the Lift 10 area. You were smart and hardworking enough (or at least, Daddy was) to have the money to build that ostentatious eyesore of a castle right, smack dab on the ski hill, and you are too dimwitted to understand that when you let, oh, say, your two huge Weims out on the hill they’re probably going to poop?

Oh, wait. I’m sorry. That was mean. Of course you know they’re going to take a dump on the ski run. You’re not dumb. You’re simply inconsiderate. You probably just (very wrongly) assume part of ski patrol’s job description is “Walk around with pooper scooper and garbage bag, picking up other people’s dogs’ crap.”

Speaking of which, I think Alyssa Ramirez deserves a cape and a mask for being the superhero of Doing Other Citizen’s Duty for picking up a “GIANT sized green and borderline diarrhea poop mid sidewalk” outside her building, and nearly puking in the process.

It makes me furious that because of a few horrible dog owners – and yes, not cleaning up after your dog automatically makes you a horrible dog owner – all the good dog owners get a bad rap for being lazy, entitled and disgusting. If you have an inability to complete the simplest dog chore, such as picking up your pet’s poop in anything remotely resembling a public area, you’re not only a horrible dog owner, but possibly a horrible person if you think this has no effect on anyone else.

What do you think the parents of kids who are in VCA’s daycare would think about the pile of dog poop my dog found in the PLAYGROUND?

Yes I understand there will be a nugget here and there that escapes. I’m sure my dog has pooped without my seeing it. But you know what? If he happens to be sprinting ahead of me on the river trail and I come upon a brand new Mr. Hanky laying in my path, visible from the trail, or, god forbid, in someone’s yard, I just pick it up. It’s more than 50 percent likely he dealt it. And if it’s not his, at least I’m earning good poop karma.

Your dog should never ever be doing his thang on the sidewalk without your awareness. Unless you are one of the few people in town who happens to have a pup who ALWAYS walks slowly by your side – and judging by what I’ve seen living here, that group is very, very small – your dog should be leashed when walking on sidewalks, or visible to you enough so that you can see when he does his biz. That way, he can’t drop bombs all over public streets without your knowledge and you’re right there to CLEAN IT UP!
So, as of today, I vow to use my phone as a weapon against bad dog owners. If you care about Telluride, you should too.

And in conclusion, I will simply harken us back to Sherry Brieske’s final words of succinct wisdom: “Pick up your shit, you lazy f**ks.!!!”

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Allison Perry

Allison Perry was born and raised in New York City and earned a BA in Political Science from The University Of Wisconsin - Madison and a JD at Case Western Reserve University School Of Law before moving to Alaska with the hopes of becoming the next Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Although she went so far as to pass the Bar Exam in Sarah Palin's playground, she became disillusioned with law and decided to pursue her dream of becoming a journalist and a photographer. She moved to Colorado in 2010 and after a few years ski-bumming and retailing, she was finally able to transform her freelance writing into a full time career at The Watch. Allison believes local journalism is an essential part of living in a small town, and strives to write objectively, in plain English, with a critical eye and a dash of sarcasm here and there. She is stoked to be a part of the San Juan Independent.